The Stig: Some Say....

1. 
   
   Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


2. 
   
   Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


3. 
   
   Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.


4. 
   
   Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


5. 
   
   Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


6. 
   
   Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


7. 
   
   Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


8. 
   
   Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


9. 
   
   Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


10. 
    
    Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


11. 
    
    Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


12. 
    
    Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


13. 
    
    Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


14. 
    
    Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


15. 
    
    Some say he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


16. 
    
    Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


17. 
    
    Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


18. 
    
    Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


19. 
    
    Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


20. 
    
    Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


21. 
    
    Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


22. 
    
    Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


23. 
    
    Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


24. 
    
    Some say that his first name really is "The," and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant including the camera men... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


25. 
    
    Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs... [the audience applauds wildly and Jeremy pauses for a short moment]... [laughing] all we know is, he's called the Stig.


26. 
    
    Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal... all we know is, he's called Lord Stig!


27. 
    
    Some say that he's a CIA experiment gone wrong, and that he only eats cheese... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's American cousin!


28. 
    
    Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


29. 
    
    Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


30. 
    
    Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.


31. 
    
    Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.


32. 
    
    Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


33. 
    
    Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video referee at the World Cup Rugby Final, he'd have seen 'of course it was a try you blind Australian half-wit'! All we know is, he's called The Stig.


34. 
    
    Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.


35. 
    
    Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whiney mouth shut! All we know is, he's called The Stig.


36. 
    
    Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


37. 
    
    Some say that he knows 2 facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.


38. 
    
    Some say that when he slows down brake lights come on in his buttocks, and that if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week, he wouldn't have been a feckless ginger gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us. All we know is, he's called The Stig.


39. 
    
    Some say that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north-east, and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury, because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


40. 
    
    Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.


41. 
    
    Now for this race, I shall pilot the little remote control car, because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver: someone who has never sat on Santa's knee; someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day. [Which was indeed shown three days later on Boxing day by the BBC's main rivals ITV]


42. 
    
    Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called The Stig.


43. 
    
    Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.


44. 
    
    Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!


45. 
    
    Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!


46. 
    
    Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called The Stig.


47. 
    
    Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called The Stig.


48. 
    
    Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, girling in the back-up shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig. (reference to Lewis Hamilton's father)


49. 
    
    Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!


50. 
    
    Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig!


51. 
    
    Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer. [The Stig is shown in the background under a yellow umbrella during one of Boris Johnson's practice laps]. All we know is, he's called The Stig!


52. 
    
    Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


53. 
    
    Some say, he has twelve GCSEs, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is, he's called The Stig.


54. 
    
    Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called "Stig flu". All we know is, he's highly contagious!


55. 
    
    Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at the man in audience].


56. 
    
    Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.


57. 
    
    Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.


58. 
    
    Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!


59. 
    
    Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house for your Christmas lunch unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull. And that the reason he always wears a helmet is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral. All we know is, he's called the Stig.


60. 
    
    Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak, he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition. All we know is, he's called the Stig!


61. 
    
    Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favorite airline pilot is Mark Webber. Two actually, all we know of course, he's the Stig!


62. 
    
    Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way he doesn't work properly. (laughter) And that just recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barichello. All we know is he's called the Stig.


63. 
    
    Some say that he spent all week daydreaming about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer. [laughter] And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary, because he's paid in strong pornography. All we know is, he's called the Stig!


64. 
    
    Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. (crowd laughs) And that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan. All we know is, he's called the Stig!


65. 
    
    Some say he's recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym "Lady Gaga", and that under his racing suit, he also wears a red g-string and suspenders. All we know is, he's called the Stig!